unknown kind of pain

tomorrow is suppose to be a special day where i finally get to gather with people whom i care for but i don’t feel the least bit excited

i din really care until today when it suddenly occurred to me that those very few who won’t be coming make a whole lot of difference to me, maybe not to others but to me it matters, i can do away with all the gifts just in hope that they may just turn up. 

another wishful thinking on my part again, how much worst can it get right? i seemed to have lived through the worst of it, just that i’m still taken aback by how much pain this still causes me.

bah.

trust vs mistrust

i guess my train of thoughts always go in the same routine. first i’ll feel so pissed and then it leads me into thinking about a lot of similar things that may have happened before.

but i’m not kidding when i say that today it hit me hard.

i popped up first on the mind of a family member for having said something i didn’t and its way worst when someone so closely knitted as family can feel that way, i was was more than just disappointed.

then thinking about the times that it happened before with others, it occurred to me with the impact of a slap across my face. maybe the problem lies with me, maybe i haven played my role as friend and family correctly for others to doubt me firsthand. 

its happened many a time that i can’t stop this train of thoughts from affecting me. i’m sorry if i haven played my part right, to give yall the feeling that i can’t be trusted. 

 

this seriously is one of the most fucked up feelings that i’ve felt in a long time

YOUR ONLY SON, NO SIN TO HIDE
BUT YOU HAVE SENT HIM
FROM YOUR SIDE
TO WALK UPON THIS GUILTY SOD
AND TO BECOME THE LAMB OF GOD

YOUR GIFT OF LOVE THEY CRUCIFIED
THEY LAUGHED AND SCORNED HIM
AS HE DIED
THE HUMBLE KING THEY NAMED A FRAUD
AND SACRIFICED THE LAMB OF GOD

O LAMB OF GOD SWEET LAMB OF GOD
I LOVE THE HOLY LAMB OF GOD
O WASH ME IN YOUR PRECIOUS BLOOD
MY JESUS CHRIST THE LAMB OF GOD

I WAS SO LOST I SHOULD HAVE DIED
BUT YOU HAVE BROUGHT ME TO
YOUR SIDE
TO BE LEAD BY YOUR STAFF AND ROD
AND TO BE CALLED A LAMB OF GOD

O LAMB OF GOD SWEET LAMB OF GOD
I LOVE THE HOLY LAMB OF GOD
O WASH ME IN YOUR PRECIOUS BLOOD
TILL I AM JUST A LAMB OF GOD

i love this song. i miss the choir so much after listening to the christmas concert they held last year.
maybe my life lacks in my service to my faith. 
BEHOLD THE MAN
Behold the Man wounded and bruised, crowned with thorns.
He was despised and rejected.
Behold the Man, Man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.
We hid our faces from Him.

We did not know that it was for our sins He died;
that for us the Son of God was crucified;
That in love He bore our sorrow and pain;
and in love He willingly suffered.

Behold the Man suffering in silence, bearing our shame.
We hid our faces from Him.

We did not know that this was God the Father's plan,
born of love to bring redemption down to man.
That in love He gave His only Son,
so that we might be forgiven.

Behold the Man risen in glory, coming to reign.
By the Father exalted, crowned with glory and honor.
Behold the Man King of Kings, and Lord of Lords.
Through all creation Jesus Christ is Lord.
He is Lord.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfbtW-vM5Us&feature=feedlik_more

maybe its just me

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much i may not have been that good of a friend at all. I don’t say much about what i actually feel about everyone who mean the world to me, but i really do hope that i have been able to do my part as a friend. People come and go in life and that is one thing i find almost impossible to accept, but i’m trying to understand and accept it, but i’ve to admit that i’ve made little progress in that area. More people have been walking out on me lately and i do sometimes have this nagging feeling which many call me silly for thinking so, but i can’t help but think that maybe its me who is the cause of it. Maybe i am thinking too much, or maybe it is true, i may never know.

But more importantly, i know i’ve caused alot of pain to many when i block myself off from any emotional questions, but know that i am grateful for the concern, but i just don’t want to end up having to be a burden. I love you all.

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SATC what can i say, its impossible for me to put into words how i feel about us. You 3 are all that i could ask for in “sisterhood”, we don’t have to see each other everyday yet something is just there that we cannot erase, its that which i have searched long to find and now u 3 just make me feel that i have somewhere to turn and seek shelter whenever i feel like i can’t hold on anymore. All i wish is for all of you to be happy, whatever you 3 do, just be happy, i’ll support you all the way.

Bae, we’ve come very far and grown alot since we knew each other and i know that i don’t talk to you about my personal stuff, but that doesn’t change anything between us all, you are a great great girl and i’m more than happy to see you happy with duck and all. Don’t feel bad that you now have much less time on your hands, cos i know that you have things you need to do with much less free time than you use to have. I’m sorry that you get so worked up trying to “figure me out” at times, but that is just me i guess. I thank you so so much for standing by me all this time and the many times before, you have your own problems in life and thanks for trusting me and turning to me when you needed… i love you alot, really, don’t doubt that.

Tan Chin Fang, almost 8 years of friendship and there has never been a dull moment. Yes we have our disagreements and our downs in this friendship, but we’ve come a long way. You never fail to make me smile when you get so happy over certain issues or the way you can have a big reaction in certain situations and all, but that is you, and that is why i love you too. You had your fair share of drama in your time and i’ve seen majority of it. I miss SAC life in a way, we were more carefree and had the right to be crazy and all, but now that we have sorta grown out of that phase, i’ve learnt to treasure all of you more.. never did we both ever imagine that out of the large group of friends we had in secondary school that the two of us would have a friendship as close as this and i’ve never regretted a single moment. Thanks for always being the girl that supported me and was there for me even silently cos you knew i won’t say much, for the times that you turned to me when you just needed someone to be there for you too. i love you and in whatever you do just be happy.

Dear dear…you’ve changed the most since i’ve known you, in a good way. Thanks for all the times you just encouraged me and was just there for me. You are a warm-hearted and just amazing girl with the biggest and most loving aura about you that its hard not to smile around you. You gave your heart out once and got it broken, you have your bad nights and all, but you still manage to be there for everyone. Don’t forget that although i may not be around 24/7, that i am still here for you like always, i love you.

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I don’t even know how to start saying how grateful i am for the friendship we share. This friendship just happen to blossom at the most unexpected moment and it has been full of up and downs, but now that you are here, i couldn’t imagine life without you. You are a great friend really…You just seem to know if something is upsetting any of your friends, you just know and want to help and that’s the thing, you beat yourself over the fact that you can’t be of any help at times, and i feel you, i know how that feels. Thanks for believing in me and just being there for me. Thanks for trusting me enough to turn to me for help, you can always talk to me about what’s bothering you, wasn’t that what started of this friendship anyway =) Don’t lose hope, you can overcome your weakness, it’d take time, but you’ll get there. You are wonderful and i’m sorry if i turn you away at times, that’s just me, so don’t beat yourself up over it, i still love you. Don’t ever worry that you will be forgotten or forsaken, cos you won’t honey, you are an angel =) Thanks a million

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Boyfriend…what can i say…i can’t remember how on earth we all got so close, but i’ve never looked back and regret ever since. You still amaze and baffle me at times, yet i don’t think you see what we all see when we look at you, don’t undermine your own talent and beauty alright.. you are a great friend and we’ve no doubt about that. You get paranoid easily and just don’t believe in others as well as yourself enough to trust that good and happy endings can happen, but whatever the case, you’ve been there for me too and all those more emotional nights and all, you have put up with my rubbish and all, i really am so glad to have you in my life. and for all the times when you too have your breakdowns and all, i’m glad you could find it in you to turn to me, i will be here, i’m not going anywhere , you’re someone special to me and you can’t be replaced <3 other boyfriend

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You both are gems, never did we think those L4D days at simpang and clubbing nights at play would bring us this much closer to each other, foo-ers are not us without you guys now. Veron , you are such a strong and independent girl with a mind of your own and that’s the thing about you which i really admire, thanks for all the times you’ve dropped me texts to clear my mind and to console me. And Lou, you’re a real sweet boy who i can’t describe how much you cheer us up when you’re around us, thanks for being such a sweetheart.

We should actually thank D for bringing us together, even now without him i got to know both you wonderful ones.

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Sweetie, you’ve been through your fair share of ordeals and all but you’ve grown alot stronger.  All this time that i’ve known you, you’ve been such a great friend, you have been there to cheer me up many times and i really do thank you so so much. Thanks for the countless times you’ve sent me home and the times you accompanied me at night when i just needed someone to be there, I just can’t express my gratitude enough. You take the blame when you can’t cheer us up and that shouldn’t be the case cos although i may fail to smile, but i know the effort you’ve put in and i can’t be more happy.  I’ll be here for you too and you should know that, what you’re going through is not an easy battle, but i believe that you will do just fine, just believe in yourself and know that you’ve done your best in everything to make it work again. You are very much loved by us all.

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Lin yi wen, you are one hell of a crazy girl you know. You never fail to make me smile. Don’t doubt yourself, you will find your time and your special one whoever it may be. Thanks for standing by me even if you had to do it silently without any reply from me. You are like this ball of energy and you’ve made us all smile and laugh everytime we’re around you. Thanks for trusting me enough to talk to me when you needed to cos i know it must have been hard for you to even say anything to anyone at all. You’ve a great great friend, love you loads darls.

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For those i may not have mentioned, know that i am thankful to have you all in my life. i love you all alot, really.

i’m not any good am i

i’ve been thinking about unlocking all my posts and just come clean as a step for me to move on to the next milestone

and like how life just likes to play me and throw me off course all the time, i had to receive a mindfucking news at 2am in the morning. what a joke

sometimes i wonder if i am the one who lands myself in these situations. like some sadist who causes her own pain and suffering. i was doing good for quite awhile but apparently not.

i muster my guts to move on from one situation and another just arises.

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and with the shock of my swell on my neck and the past few nights of reflection,

i am starting to doubt my capability of being a good enough friend,

maybe i just am not a good friend after all,

i can’t help in any one’s problems other then to listen and not say anything constructive or helpful

what good am i if i can’t help them? pretty useless i guess.

i think i fear that there will come a time when i may prolly turn back to see no one behind me anymore cos i was this useless and weak a friend

its almost 4am and i am still being mindfucked. wow.

 

“what hurts most about being lied to is knowing you weren’t worth the truth”

gonna stop telling people anything about this one and only most hurtful heart pain
i’m sort of amazed by how much i let you hurt me
i always knew how much friends esp close friends meant to me, but never did i imagine it to be this bad
thanks for the great memories you left me, and fuck you for leaving it all behind with your lies.

i can repeat whatever i have said to everyone a million times, and i guarantee no one will really understand,
they nod their heads, sigh, nag, try to listen and many other gestures, but really, i know they don’t get it.

though it hurts like hell, but i’ll still move on with what life has planned for me.
i think of you both every night still
i do cry still, once in awhile, less

i just wish u would make up your mind and not stab me with a knief and pull it out to spare the pain and yet once again use a sharper knief to stab me and the very same spot over and over again. once is enough.

so much has happened over the past 2 weeks it getting so hard to handle n take in

BUT overall i’ve sorted out my thoughts and actions, reflected and calmed down

whatever that happened between us has gotten me so agitated and pissed that i really did feel the kind of strong anger that i haven’t felt in a long long time. Respect that i had for you, fell apart just like that.. You did not bother or rather not care about what i was trying to tell you, i was speaking up for those who dare not tell you, if i’ve to pay be being seen as the “bad guy” then its worth it. I hope this break gives you the chance to do some reflection of your own.

i was angry but like i said, i’ve calmed down and i still will welcome you back like before

You’ve died

I’m so pissed I can just cry! You say we’re a disappointment,fine. But you started being unreasonable first.You bloody hell threatened us and you call that being a friend..wow.I really wonder what ur philosopy of the word friend means to you.I have always had that amount of respect for you,I followed you out during ur coming out period so that you would know ur never alone and you still think that i’m taking sides.I really hope you do reflect and see that this was what you wanted all along,for him so willingly give up and move on,yet you just can’t seem to admit that you cannot accept it,he’s been giving in to you that when he says no,you go beserk. Face it that he’s going through the phase of trying to move on and you can too if you put this aside.if u still can’t see that we’re doing our best to make it all work out then so be it, cos I really don’t need another conflict like the last one to reoccur again..I pray hard that you’ll open ur eyes to see who exactly are really there for you cos I am blunt with my words not to hurt but to ask u to face up to reality,cos the truth will hurt. Goodbye to the bitchified world,I had enough of you.

facade

“”and let our faces be vizards to our hearts”"

i related to this quote alot

i have never once not thought about how life would be if i weren’t this “too myself”"
how can i not ever think about how nice it would be to just say everything that i’ve ever kept inside
i’m not that heartless n emotionless
i just can’t

there are so many things which just eat me up inside, slowly over time just building this thick and unbreakable barrier to not let anyone in

so many things and situations i’ve been in that i’ve learnt to fend for myself.
this just gets so frustrating at times not knowing what to do
but i’ll get by, i will, i hope